How I learned to talk so people will listen…

I live about a half hour from town so I do a lot of driving. I prefer talk radio so my choices are limited to CBC, which I enjoy, or podcasts that I download because I’m too cheap to pay for so-called “commercial-free” satellite radio. My favourite podcast is TEDRadio. They are a mashup of TED talks on a particular topic and if you don’t know what TED talks are, google it because you are seriously missing out on some fantastic stuff.

This morning I was listening to a talk on kindness. I only listened to the first 10 minutes and then had to shut it off because I was so provoked (in a good way) at what the speaker had shared, I needed time to process and if I wasn’t on my way to work, I might have pulled onto a side road and started writing immediately I was so inspired.

The speaker said we’ve been trying to be politically correct for a decade but what we should be worried about is being emotionally correct. We should worry less about disagreeing with others politically and trying to argue them into our point of view and instead be more concerned with acknowledging the validity of their feelings and connecting with them respectfully and sincerely.

While working at the local high school as an intervention worker, a particular task fell on my desk. A teenage girl had stopped coming to school. She had been jumped by a group of girls after school one day and had been beaten quite badly. She refused to come back and all attempts to contact the family had failed. The vice-principal wanted me to try.
I learned early that parents, especially parents of kids having trouble, wouldn’t answer the phone if I called from the school. But, if I called from my cell phone, they would answer. It’s not much of a mystery, everyone has caller ID and they didn’t want to talk to the school, but cell phone numbers didn’t show up at that time.

The girl’s aunt answered the phone and I explained why I was calling. Holy Toledo was she angry and she started telling me off. I could hear the mother in the background, cursing and shouting. Pretty soon I hear the sounds of a struggle. It’s the mother pulling the handset away from the aunt. She proceded to verbally fling some pretty colourful profanities my direction. Her daughter was terrified. The mom was afraid her daughter would be beaten up again if she came back to school. Mom was quite frankly irate.

In a moment of inspiration, I said, “You have every right to feel that way. I don’t blame you or her for being afraid. If I was in your shoes, I would be fearful for my child too.”

Silence.

I don’t think anyone had ever validated her fears. It completely and immediately took the wind out of her sails and she calmed down.
We had a short conversation which ended with an invitation to come to her home and discuss the situation – also a first – not one staff member had ever been able to get into the home. I went the next day and negotiated my first Peace Talk. What I learned in that house that day was the power of connecting emotionally.

I could have given her all the statistics that the Ministry of Education is so keen to dispense. I could have talked about policies and legalities. None of that had worked in the past and it sure wasn’t going to work now. That woman and I came from very different places, economically, socially, politically, in nearly every way you can think of – so I met her at the one place we were on level ground…as mothers. And it worked. We found a place where we could relate to each other. I could understand her fears and hopes and dreams for her daughter because I shared those same basic fears, hopes and dreams for my sons.

There are approximately 7 billion people on this planet. 7 billion people who are separated by political ideologies and borders, religious doctrine, economics, and education, but we share emotional identities. We all feel love, fear, hope, grief, and joy. If we can learn, and this is in my opinion a learned skill, to connect with people emotionally before we start judging based on religion or politics, there will be a whole lot less judging and a whole lot more understanding. Keep this principle in mind next time you’re caught up in a discussion on refugees or that monster hydro project that is so controversial or how your neighbour parents their kids. Try finding some emotional common ground and your conversation will undoubtedly take a different tone.

Emotional correctness. Brilliant.

If you’re interested in listening to the talk that inspired me, google Sally Kohn’s TED Talk on emotional correctness. You won’t be sorry.

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