Is this your hill to die on?

Have you ever heard the saying, “Is this your hill to die on?”

It’s an old war reference that basically means is this [whatever] important enough to you to really stand your ground and defend yourself? Is it worth causing a fuss over?

I use it a lot, or at least I used to use it a lot when our kids were still at home and we were in the thick of the teenage years. Frequently it was what I muttered under my breath when I found myself arguing with one of my sons.

Now it’s more often an offering of perspective to parents or newlyweds who are in the trenches, navigating the potential minefield of communication.

Occasionally, it’s floating in the back of my mind when I have a disagreement with My Sweet. Is this really worth arguing over?

Almost 30 years of marriage, raising children, being part of a large (and sometimes complicated, but aren’t they all?) extended family, and I don’t even know how many job changes and major life events, My Sweet and I have never had a fight. We don’t always agree, but I’ve rarely found a hill I want to die on and My Sweet, peace-loving man that he is, has found even fewer.

This spring we took a trip to Texas to visit friends. As usual, I did the planning and the booking and My Sweet came along for the ride. (And he paid. That blessed man works hard so we can enjoy trips and treats.) A few weeks after our return, we were telling a friend about the trip and My Sweet said we had been south of Dallas. I corrected him. North. We were north of Dallas.

Patiently, because he’s almost always patient, he said, “I’m pretty sure we were south.”

And I shot back with, “Do you know how many times I looked at the map planning that trip. We were north, but whatever, you can be south if you want. I was north.”

“Ok,” he said. And, if I’m being honest, I was a little smug that he gave in so easily.

It must have been a week or so later that I thought about checking.

Well shoot.

He was right.

I was wrong.

And because I like to keep short accounts, when I had the opportunity I said, “So you were right about being south of Dallas.” And My Sweet said, “Oh I know, I checked a long time ago.”

But he never said a word.

He knew he was right and he just left it alone. Because it wasn’t his hill to die on.

Learning how to compromise and communicate have probably been the biggest lessons for us as a couple. I think they’re some of the biggest things any couple has to learn. And, believe me, I’ve had a lot to learn and clearly I haven’t mastered it yet.

My nature is to argue and I’ve been accused of being opinionated. I’d like to point out that there’s nothing wrong with having strong opinions. The trick is to learn to listen, really listen, to the thoughts and opinions of others. People hold beliefs for a reason and their opinion is just as valid as mine. Taking the time to discover why they have the viewpoint they do, goes a long way toward understanding each other and finding common ground – something we seem to need more and more in our current political and cultural landscape.

So how do you know what’s worth letting go of and what’s worth fighting for?

Ask yourself:  will it still matter in a week? In a year? In ten years?

If the answer is no, let it go.

If the answer is yes, slow down and try asking some questions to clarify. Take the time to understand where the other person is coming from.

And for those rare times when the object of the disagreement really is your hill to die on, when it’s something you believe is immoral or illegal, stand your ground. There are moments when we need to defend ourselves and others against something that we truly, deeply, and wholeheartedly believe is fundamentally wrong.

Just choose wisely.

Photo credit with thanks to Simon Migaj via Unsplash.