Proust #26 What do you most value in your friends?
It’s not a really long list. I like my friends to have a terrific sense of humour, to be honest, and to be low maintenance.
I’m going to be honest here, the low maintenance thing, it’s kind of a big one for me and I’ll tell you what I mean by that. I’m choosy about who I spend my time with and the older I get, the less apologetic I am about it.
I’ve had two girlfriends break up with me. There isn’t any other way to describe what happened.
The first girl send me a really heartfelt letter (email actually, just one step up from being dumped by text message).What it boiled down to, was that I was, in her opinion, a lousy friend. I didn’t call often enough, I didn’t visit often enough, I just wasn’t there for her. My perspective was different. I had been to her house way more times than she had ever been to mine. She called, A LOT, and I answered every call. I confess, sometimes reluctantly, because it had begun to feel like every call was to tell me how difficult her life was. She told me she needed more and she just wasn’t getting it from me. So I emailed back and said ok, see you around. (If you read yesterday’s post, this should all make sense with my three strikes rule.) I just wasn’t the right friend for her, but I don’t think she needed a friend, I think she needed a therapist.
The second girl was a relatively new friend and I really liked her, but one day she called and said she needed to talk to me. Terrific, come on over, I’ll put the kettle on. The conversation didn’t go the way I was expecting. She said she really liked me and really wanted to be my friend, but she found me intimidating. I was too ‘together’. Could we slow things down, she needed space. No problem. I have tried to reach out to her a few times, but there is always a reason why we can’t get together. I’ve quit trying for the moment, but I’m not quite ready to completely abandon the idea that we still might salvage some kind of relationship, I think we could be good friends someday. Or not, it isn’t necessarily up to me.
I’m sorry for the loss of both friendships, but I also don’t think everyone we meet and enjoy is meant to become Anne of Green Gables-esque bosom friends. People come in and out of our lives. The friendships we enjoy change over time and sometimes fade completely. I think that’s normal.
I married my friend and he has become my very best friend. My marriage will always be the most important relationship in my life, even above the ones I have with my children. Some of you will disagree with that statement and that’s fine, but it’s how I feel. I would rather spend my time with my husband than anyone else. That being said, it’s more fun going to a craft fair with my friend Brenda. Phil will go with me and he is infinitely patient as I wander around looking at things, but he doesn’t quite share the same appreciation for homemade organic vegan bath products as Brenda. It’s why I extend the same consideration to him when we are at some outdoor expo and have looked at about a thousand different fishing lures. There needs to be give and take on both sides.
Those girls may have been right, I’m probably not the best friend in the world. I’m not going to call all the time, I’ll think about stopping by but won’t necessarily do it as often as I should. But there will also be times when I call because you’ve been on my mind and I really do care about how you’re doing. Take a walk with me, laugh with me, sometimes even cry with me, share a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Simple, uncomplicated, life enjoyed and shared…it makes for a great friendship. At least in my opinion.
