Proust #33 What is your greatest regret?
I’m going to be honest here, I’m going to answer this question, but I don’t want you to think for one second I wish my life had a different outcome. I don’t.
You’re going to think I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but I regret all those moments where I let my fear hold me back. Fear of looking foolish, fear of the unknown, fear of lots of things that I’m sure never would have materialized.
And why was it that in some areas I could conquer my fear and in others, I just couldn’t muster the confidence to get past it?
I was a wallflower. I never wanted to be the center of attention. When the attention turned my way, you could have heated the building with the blush that lit up my face. It was awful.
When I was about 11, I joined a 4-H club, a sewing club called the Crafty Stitchers. It was so much fun, but there was one regular, stomach churning event that was mandatory. Public speaking. We had to participate in public speaking competitions with other clubs. There was the dreaded impromptu speech where you got a topic drawn from a hat, a few minutes to prepare and then had to present your 2 minute speech. There was also a portion of competition where we had chosen our own topics and worked for weeks on our speech (I can’t remember how long this one had to be). I remember having butterflies in my stomach and feeling light-headed from nervousness. I’m sure it was a surprise to everyone, most especially to me, that I won trophies on more than one occasion. I managed to deliver one speech when I had laryngitis so badly the judges could barely hear me. I won that competition.
That’s one of my very few stories from childhood of triumph over fear, and if I’m still being honest, it didn’t feel like triumph, just blessed relief to be past it.
There are far more moments in my life when I couldn’t get past my fear, mostly my fear of what others would think of me, to try something new, or something that looked like fun.
I would have been 17 when I was asked if I would like to go and live in Germany for a year. Me! The girl who longs for cobblestone streets, cathedrals, and castles. What an amazing opportunity! Did I go? Of course not. I was too afraid.
I love playing badminton, but I wouldn’t play in school because I knew I couldn’t possibly be as good as the other girls on the team, so I didn’t even bother to try.
How sad is that? I wish I could go back and tell that young me to try anyway! Looking back, I’m pretty sure I would have enjoyed myself and even if I found out it wasn’t my ‘thing’, at least I would have tried. That’s my greatest regret, not trying. I let fear keep me stuck in my insecurities. I let it stop me from experiencing so many things!
Maybe it’s because I’m getting to that mid-point in my life, the point where I realize I don’t have forever to try new things, to have new experiences. I guess it’s never to late to start enjoying life as fully as possible. It’s never too late to find your self-confidence. So step into those flippers and go snorkeling, take up ballroom dance, go see the place you’ve always wanted to see. Be brave, go live life with no regrets.
