Sometimes I say stupid things…

I have been replaying a couple of recent conversations in my mind and I have come to an uncomfortable conclusion.

Sometimes I say stupid things.

Seriously.

For a woman who makes her living constructing thoughtful and meaningful sentences, I say some really thoughtless even hurtful things.

Not on purpose. God, no! But there are moments when entirely the wrong thing comes out of my mouth.

Here’s how it went…

I’m not going to give you the details, mostly because I’m more than a little embarrassed with myself. But also because the words themselves don’t matter – not to you anyway. I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest condensed version.

In one conversation, what came out of my mouth can only be described as the result of an unfortunate disconnect between my thoughts, the words I came out with, and the ‘two steps too far’ (maybe –  probably – more) down the scale of verbal intensity/inflection I used.

Really what that means is that what I thought is not what I said and how I said it was a little (okay, a lot) more intense than the situation called for.

I must have sounded more than a little bitchy.

The second conversation?

I’m still groaning over that one. One detail added to a comment, that’s all it was, one measly detail. What I said was true, every word of it, but it wasn’t necessary and as soon as it was out of my mouth I cringed. I’m pretty sure that simple comment made me look like a smug, slightly racist do-gooder looking for approval and gratitude.

It makes me a little sick just to say that because that is not who I want to be.

Here’s the truth…

Here’s where I have to be brutally honest about myself. I’m not always as nice or as good a person as I think I am or as others maybe think I am.

Sometimes I say (and do) things so people will like me which makes me feel a little pathetic. I’m supposed to be at this magical point in my life where I care less about what people think, but I do still care. I hate to admit I am still that insecure, but there it is.

Sometimes I think the universe gives me these lessons in humility to remind me I still have an awful lot to learn.

Here’s the lesson…

Not long ago, a controversy arose online because of the use (misuse) of some words and images promoting a wellness program. I don’t know why those particular words and images were used, but I struggled with the accusation that it was intentional, designed to promote one race over another. I followed the conversation and found myself questioning if I had any hidden – or maybe not so hidden – biases.

Kind of a dumb question because of course I do. I’m consoling myself with the thought that we probably all do.

I know there are people out there with a deliberate agenda, one that doesn’t leave room for diversity and inclusion.

There are also lots of people just like me – people who are trying to understand and weed out some old, deeply rooted thought patterns to create space for equality, connection, and compassion.

I need to remind myself to slow down and remember that little acronym we teach kids (and apparently adults, too) when they are responding in conversation: t.h.i.n.k.

If my words don’t fit those criteria, do they really need to be said? Probably not.

What’s the proverb? I have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as I talk.

Does that truth hit you a little hard too? Sometimes I forget words aren’t always what’s called for, silence is.

Here’s the hope…

I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. And I’m trying, really and truly trying, to do and be better. I guess I’ll take the lesson from the universe, uncomfortable though it may be, and try harder. That can’t hurt any more than the skid marks on my pride when I was stopped in my tracks by my own thoughtless words. Better me cringing in realization than continuing to inflict thoughtless pain on others.

Sometimes, in those awful moments it feels like one step forward and two steps back, but God, I hope not.

I guess I’ll keep working on the lessons that come my way and keep hoping that the goodness and the light in me continues to grow and shine.